Personal Notices
by Henrietta
Summary: Eric comes to a few realizations.


Title: Personal Notices Author: Henrietta Summary: Eric comes to a few realizations Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters on 7th Heaven, nor do I own the lyrics to the song "Morning Bell" Notes: This story is part of the TWoP Lyric Wheel. Lyrics are found at the end of the story.  
  
"Divorce $99. S & L Paralegal. 555-0144."  
  
I've never figured Glenoak for a particularly unhappy town, yet every day that ad appears in the classified section of the newspaper. The first time I saw it I was surprised. The citizens of Glenoak are first and foremost a God-fearing people. Real problems are rare, but when they arise, we take them to God and accept the wise counsel of His ministers, priests and rabbis. What use would a town like Glenoak have for a business offering cheap divorces?  
  
The second time I saw the ad, I was outraged. The end of a marriage shouldn't be cheaper than the tuxedo a man wears to begin it. No wonder people don't try harder to make things work.  
  
It was the fifth or sixth time I saw the ad that the thought first struck me. If you're careful, it's not very hard to save up $99, even on a minister's salary.   
  
I took the family out for pizza that night and gave Matt some cash to take the kids for ice cream and a movie. Tangled up in the sheets, with Annie sleeping contentedly beside me, I silently repeated the words to myself. I love my wife. I love my family. I love my wife. I love my wife.  
  
I didn't read the classifieds again for a week.  
  
***  
  
When Matt lost another job, I dug out the paper to see if I could find a few prospects for him. I turned the page and the ad was there, in its usual spot. I looked away, then quickly found the employment listings. I circled several and left the paper on my son's bed.   
  
Matt was not a particularly motivated child and I soon found myself scouring the employment listings daily. I'm not sure why I was so insistent that he find a job. He had his studies to worry about, after all, and his younger siblings to keep an eye on. But I kept searching the ads in the hopes that I'd find something that would stick.  
  
Eventually Matt found a job as an orderly at the hospital and I turned my daily attention back to the comics. I wasn't sure what to make of the empty feeling I got when I reached for the comics instead of the classifieds but I decided it had something to do with the fact that Family Circus really wasn't funny at all.  
  
***  
  
There comes a time in a man's life when he has to face his own mortality. And so it happened that I found myself sitting at my own bedside, offering words of encouragement to the pale version of me that lay beneath the sheet, much as I would for any of my parishioners. They said it was too much stress, too little exercise and all the wrong foods that led to my heart attack. They said that things would have to change.   
  
Some of the changes were easy to see. I ate salads. I went for walks. I took a vacation. My family prodded and spied to make sure I followed through. My parishioners did much the same.  
  
There were other, smaller changes. I started reading the entire paper again. The ad was still there and I looked at it without flinching. When they finally let me go back to work, I took a small jar and placed it in my desk drawer. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out two quarters and dropped them into the jar.  
  
***  
  
There's an old superstition that says that bad things happen in threes. Now superstitions are silly things and I've always had a feeling that there is something vaguely sacrilegious about believing in them. So when we were beset by troubles three times in the space of a few weeks, I tried hard to chalk it up to coincidence, or some sort of mathematical probability.  
  
It started with my sister. She's had her problems in the past but she seemed to be doing very well since she married Dr. Hastings. So it came as a shock when she showed up on our doorstep, nine months pregnant and vowing to leave her husband. I tried to help her, talk her out of it, but I didn't get very far before she went into labor. She had her baby right there in my bed and the joy she felt at being a mother wiped away the anger and frustration she felt towards her husband. I was relieved that the baby was healthy, that Julie had resolved things with Hank, and a tiny part of me was relieved that I didn't have to dispense anymore relationship advice while that jar was sitting in my desk drawer.  
  
Just days later, there was trouble brewing within my own house. Annie and I have always kept a very close eye on our children, using whatever means necessary to ensure that they don't go astray. I don't know how we missed it, how our oldest daughter could be doing so poorly in school without us knowing it. Even worse, how could we have raised a child who would destroy someone else's property? It was our biggest test as parents and considering what would come later, I'm not so sure we didn't fail it completely.  
  
We were still dealing with the fallout from Mary's mistake when Annie's father came to visit. Everyone was happy to see him but the visit had a serious undertone. Ginger tried to tell us something was wrong but Annie loves her father dearly and, especially after the death of her mother, she didn't want to believe that he might be slipping away from her. When Ruthie roped him into her crazy Y2K paranoia and he lit the barbecue on fire without realizing it, even Annie was forced to admit that there was a problem. Sitting in that doctor's office and hearing the word "Alzheimer's" was gut wrenching. The prospect of seeing a loved one slip away in mind and then body while you are powerless to help them is terrifying. For Charles, it must have been awfully difficult to face the truth that he would slowly become dependent on his wife and family, even as he began to forget who they were. At a time like that, it's hard not to imagine the possibility of such a tragedy happening to you, and the vision I had of spending the twilight of my life at the mercies of my wife and children was an ugly one.  
  
The next time I went in to work, I emptied a pocketful of change into the jar.  
  
***  
  
That fall brought with it a surprising reversal of roles. Annie started college and Mary didn't. Both decisions came with no small amount of controversy. It wasn't so much the fact that Annie decided to take a class that upset me, as it was that she didn't bother to mention it to me until after she'd already registered. I've always advised couples that it is essential to make important decisions together and it hurt that Annie had chosen not to do so. Despite my worry about who would care for the twins and how we would pay for tuition, I would have been supportive of her desire to continue her education, if only she had given me the chance.   
  
Even more upsetting was Mary's decision to postpone college indefinitely. We pleaded and threatened to no avail We had hoped that she had gotten her life back on track after her troubles last year but her refusal to go to college proved to be the start of a dangerous downhill slide.   
  
Unable to convince Mary to start school, we told her that she must get a job and pay rent if she wished to remain living under our roof. So she got a job, and then another and another. She lasted a week or two at each one before quitting or being fired. She went through jobs like kleenex and the bills started to pile up. It was when she got a job at Pete's pizza that the real trouble began. Mary met Frankie and Johnny there and they introduced her to their wild lifestyle. She started to stay out later and began drinking.   
  
Mary tried to hide her destructive behavior and increasing financial woes and for a while she was successful. The other kids helped cover for her as best they could, scaring off creditors and giving her money. Still, Annie and I must have been blind. My children have always been terrible liars and yet they managed to keep us from seeing the real extent of Mary's problems.   
  
Slowly Annie and I started to see what was happening around us. Mary's employers told us why they had fired her. Hank and Julie reported the erratic behavior they had witnessed. That young policeman told us that he suspected that Mary had been drinking when he pulled her over one night. The final straw came when we caught Ruthie pouring rice into the twins' piggy banks to hide the fact that she had stolen from them to help Mary.  
  
Deciding to send Mary away to Buffalo was one of the hardest things I've had to do, and yet it was also the easiest. It's hard to admit that you've failed your child and having to turn to my father for help made that failure seem all the more abject. Still, I was relieved, much more than I would admit, to ship my problem off for someone else to deal with. Far away in New York, Mary couldn't bring any more shame to the family.   
  
***  
  
It was amazing how soon the family adjusted to Mary's absence. An uncharitable person might say that they'd all but forgotten her. There was gossip at first, made worse by Ruthie's lies, but soon the town moved on as well.   
  
The gap in our family was soon filled by Robbie. Despite my misgivings about the boy, despite his clumsy attempts at seducing my daughter, I still couldn't leave him out on the street. There was some fuss with Annie and the kids at first but Robbie charmed them all eventually. There was just something special about him.  
  
***  
  
In more than two decades of marriage, I have never seriously looked at another woman. I've counseled dozens of women throughout my career, always maintaining the proper level of professional detachment. Then I met Serena.  
  
So many of the problems I deal with come to me via my children and Serena was no exception. She was the "cool" mother of one of Lucy's friends and when a problem arose, Lucy recommended my services as a counselor. I was willing to help and we set up a session.  
  
Annie was suspicious from the start. She accused me of flirting with Serena and my explanations and reassurances fell on deaf ears. Every mention of Serena, every phone call I took, every minute I was late, was met with angry looks and snide comments. When I came home late one night and had to take a call from Serena, Annie took the bag of food I'd brought home for my dinner and ran it down the garbage disposal. Eventually I gave in and told Annie I would find another counselor for Serena but even that wouldn't satisfy her. She told me to continue the sessions and apologize to her when Serena finally made her move.  
  
To be fair, Serena did come across as something of a seductress, but I had never given Annie any reasons to question my motives before. Frankly, I was a bit mystified by her sudden jealousy. The atmosphere at home was becoming increasingly chilly, and I found myself thinking more and more about the jar in my desk and how much change might be in it. Despite her beauty, it was the prospect of being with Annie, not Serena, that kept me saving my change.  
  
***  
  
The trouble with Serena resolved itself rather abruptly, as all of the troubles in this family seem to do. We had a few months of relative calm before school started again and the next crisis arose. In this case, it was a batch of little problems with the kids which were nothing more than minor annoyances in comparison to the problem with Annie.  
  
They call it The Change, which seems like far too nice a word. My memories of biology class are vague at best, so I was totally unprepared for the hormonally unbalanced lunatic who took up residence in my house. She looked like my wife and she sounded like my wife but she cried at the drop of a hat and then bit my head off the next minute over the smallest of infractions. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to what would set off these outbursts. We tried at first to make her feel better but pretty soon we were just trying to stay out of her way.  
  
Since it seemed there was nothing to do for Annie but ride out the symptoms, I turned my attention to the children's problems. Matt had lost his job again, which necessitated another trip through the classifieds. I felt a sense of relief when I saw the ad was still there and I dumped an extra handful of change in my jar the next time I went into the office. Thankfully Matt found a new job quickly, which left me more time to ponder Lucy's unexplained bouts of crying and to teach Simon how to be a man. Neither of them were particularly grateful for my efforts.  
  
When Annie dumped a glass of wine on my head, when she quit school to start teaching, when she picked fights for no reason, I chalked it up to The Change. Sure, her behavior was a bit erratic and sometimes downright nasty, but that must be The Change and it would pass soon. At least I hoped it would pass soon because, really, how could someone live with that for very long?  
  
***  
  
The epiphany came in November. In that moment of absolute clarity, I realized that the nasty, controlling behavior wasn't The Change, it was Annie. It was a sickening feeling, one I didn't know how to handle. What was most horrifying was that I didn't do anything about it.  
  
Mary returned home that November, a year after we sent her to Buffalo to straighten her life out. The older kids were not particularly thrilled to see her, but Annie was overjoyed. While Lucy's return from New York had been all but ignored, Mary's was cause for celebration. Annie cooked Mary's favorite foods and exclaimed over and over how happy she was to see her. She spoke excitedly about fixing up the garage apartment for Mary to live in.  
  
It was the apartment that set her off. Matt, Lucy, Simon and Ruthie each had their eye on that apartment and all of them felt that no one deserved it less than Mary. When it became clear that Annie would not be swayed from her decision, they grabbed their blankets and moved into the garage.   
  
I have never seen Annie as angry as she was when she discovered what they had done. How dare they defy her? How dare they fail to express the required joy at Mary's return? When we returned from church she laid down the law with a punishment so outrageous I'm not sure it was even legal.   
  
The area above the garage was not an apartment. It was nothing more than some plywood laid down over the joists. There was no heat, no electricity, and no plumbing. It was to this space that Annie banished four of our children. She gave them a change of clothes, a week's allowance and their school books and told them they would have to live there until they were ready to apologize. They could only come back into the house to use the bathroom. The children, two of them still minors, would have to find their own food.  
  
The kids were shocked and I was horrified. Annie had not allowed me any input on her decision. She had banished our children to the garage and all I did that awful weekend was protest weakly and spout some crap about the prodigal son that even I didn't believe. I failed my children and it wouldn't be the last time.  
  
***  
  
It didn't take long for the kids to give in and apologize to Annie. She had asserted her authority and they had accepted their lot in life. With the rebellion crushed, she allowed them back into the house and life went on much as it had before.   
  
I don't know why I didn't do anything. If ever there was a time to leave my wife it was then. All those months, as I had put change in my jar, slowly working my way towards that $99, I knew in the back of my mind that I couldn't put our children through a divorce, not while they were still so young. I've seen what divorce does to children, what parents will put their kids through just to spite each other. Some of these couples, if put before King Solomon, would eagerly say "cut the kids in half." It would be better to live with my own unhappiness than to subject my children to that. But surely it is not better for them to live with someone who would make them sleep in the garage to teach them a lesson. Here was the perfect reason to leave. No one could fault me for wanting to protect my children. Still, I stayed silent and did nothing.  
  
***  
  
I wish I could say that I had done something, anything, to change the course of our lives in the year and a half since that November. I wish I could say that my children are happier and healthier than before, that they're changing the world. I wish I could say that I hadn't needed to look for that ad every time I opened the paper, that I hadn't needed to save my change in a jar in my desk drawer. I wish I could say that I had at least tried to fix the mess my life has become.  
  
Of course, I can't say any of those things. The sad fact is that I have done nothing and my family is more dysfunctional than before. I have stifled my feelings and kept silent. I have stalked and lectured and patronized because it was the easiest thing to do.   
  
My older daughters, once bright and independent girls, seem destined to tie their identity and self-worth to whichever man happens to be in their life. Lucy was so sensitive and compassionate as a child and I had high hopes that she would become a wonderful minister. Now she spends her days struggling to please her controlling husband and fretting jealously over any sign he might be tempted by another woman.   
  
My oldest son got engaged to a girl he barely knew and agreed to give up his religion for her without so much as a backward glance. Simon ran an escort service and flirted with drinking and premarital sex. At four years old the twins are only now starting to talk in sentences and when they do it's nearly always in unison. I was supposed to teach my sons how to be men. This was not what I had in mind.  
  
My youngest daughter, Ruthie, is rapidly becoming a smarter, more cunning version of her mother. She stalks and spies on her siblings, reads their diaries, listens into their conversations, and takes perverse pleasure in belittling them. God knows I've done my share of spying and stalking but I did it out of concern and love for my children. Ruthie does it so she can use the information against them. Most disturbing of all, she sees nothing wrong with what she is doing.   
  
***  
  
There are four jars of change now. When I ran out of space in my desk drawer, I took the jars to the bank to be counted. I met my goal partway through jar number three. The jars sit in the back corner of a cupboard now, out of sight yet handy if I want to use them. Of course, I know I'll never use them. I realize now that I could no more stand up to my wife than I could my father.  
  
I've resigned myself now. Whatever happens, it's easiest just to take it. I don't expect that my family will care, but I want someone to know. When they clear my things out of the office, they'll find the jars and the two scraps of paper I tucked inside them. Printed on faded newsprint, the first scrap reads:  
  
"Divorce $99. S & L Paralegal. 555-0144."  
  
On the other scrap I scrawled the words I could never seem to say to Annie:  
  
"I wanted to tell you but you never listened. You never understand."  
  
I've spent my entire adult life solving other people's problems. The one thing I've never managed to learn is how to solve my own.  
  
***  
  
"The Morning Bell" by Radiohead  
  
The morning bell The morning bell Light another candle and Release me Release me  
  
You can keep the furniture A bump on the head Howling down the chimney Release me Release me Please Release me Release me  
  
Where'd you park the car Where'd you park the car Clothes are on the lawn with the furniture Now I might as well I might as well  
  
Sleepy jack the fire drill Round and round and round  
  
Cut the kids in half Cut the kids in half Cut the kids in half  
  
I wanted to tell you but you never listened You never understand I wanted to tell you but you never listened You never understand 'Cause I'm walking walking walking...  
  
The lights are on but nobody's home Everbody wants to be a The lights are on but nobody's home Everybody wants to be a slave Walking walking walking...  
  
The lights are on but nobody's at home Everybody wants to be a Everyone wants to be a friend Nobody wants to be a slave Walking walking walking... 


End file.
